For those who have not been following my Blog and may not know me very well, I will start with a little back story.  I am a physician who has been dedicated to my journey in medicine since I was 8 years old riding around with my mother as she made home health nursing visits on the weekends. Being dedicated to medicine meant it took me a long time to find my soulmate because I was following a very time consuming path of my own.  When I was in my late 20’s in residency I started praying specifically for a Godly man, in short I wanted someone to whom their faith was important enough to go with me to church on Sunday’s and raise our children to love God. (Jason often says that the lesson God taught me was to be more specific in my prayers.) I certainly didn’t expect when I prayed for that Godly man that I would get a priest or that I would still be sitting in the pews by myself, with five children no less, on Sundays.

However, here I am,  12 years after our first meeting and ten of marriage, doing just that.  In 2014, we followed God’s call to the Army Chaplaincy and a very unique ministry within the Russian Orthodox Church. We loved the Eastern rite and tradition but felt that our ministry would reach so many more by switching to the Bishop of Rome and last year took a real leap of faith in transitioning to the Byzantine Catholic Church. I can honestly say I was particularly nervous about how I and our children would be accepted as a priest’s wife/family in a predominantly Latin rite world. In Orthodoxy and in the Byzantine rite of the Catholic Church married priests are the norm, but we wouldn’t be serving in a typical Byzantine parish who would understand my place in my husband’s ministry and I had heard horror stories, yes they are always stories floating around, of others who had difficulty in this transition on many levels.

I can honestly say that I have been extremely blessed during our transition in that our community and Jason’s fellow priests have gone out of their way not just to accept us but to embrace us as a unique and wonderful blessing to the parish community. I cannot thank them enough for the warm reception and understanding we have received!

The Army is a unique place and I think a great one to see the increase in married clergy.  In fact, At this point 10% of active duty chaplains in the Army are married, either through the Anglican Provision or the Byzantine rite as we are, many of them with large young families like our own. I personally think that this is a wonderful venue for married priests and a unique ministry for both the priest and the family as a whole. I would encourage anyone who has heard this call to prayerfully consider it more fully. The military life is full of special friendships built on a shared purpose and often a feeling of controlled chaos.

So for those of you who will be running across one of these wives, myself included, what can you expect or more importantly what are the most important things to know about us.  First and foremost, we are human too.  We have our imperfections and daily struggles just like you do and so do our families.  You may catch us on a great day when we are on fire with the Holy Spirit or you may see us at a low when we are struggling with figuring out the path God is telling us to follow.  Remember on the days that we don’t have it all together that even the Holy Mother and Joseph lost Jesus at the temple, and on the days we are on fire, know we understand if you aren’t, we’ve had those days too.

The same goes for our children. They did not ask to be born the children of a priest and need you to allow them the grace to grow up as children only.  We will do our best to lead them on God’s path just as you do with your own children but their road is difficult in that everyone knows them and though ours have not yet seemed to realize the extra burden that places on them one day they will and we want them to know their community loves and supports them for who they are as individuals not who their parents are.  So please, if you have something negative to say about us or them, talk to us privately and we will try to address the situation.  If you are criticizing publically, even if its just their father’s homily, remember this can have a tremendous negative impact on their growth in Christ.

Next, clergy wives, whether priests or deacons, have a special role in the Church, this is why in the Eastern Church they are given their own title (which varies by ethnic tradition). Their first job is to be a helpmate for their husband and a mother to their children. If your priest isn’t taken care of then he will struggle in tending the Lord’s flock.  This need is found in our celibate priests and bishops as well and I encourage everyone to look out for the health and well being of all of our clergy. Jason says I adopt every priest that I meet, which may be true, though I don’t tell them that, but it is particularly important for them to know how appreciated their service is.

In the Church itself, wives still often function as a helpmate to both their husband and parish community. Each of us does this through different roles depending on our season of life and areas of interest.  When I first realized I was going to be a priest wife I reasearched as much as I could to figure out the expectations and ended up realizing they really are very different for each wife. Many in the Byzantine church migrate towards the choir as having a good cantor/chair is so important for this type of service.  However, I have seen wives filling many varied roles and some who are not involved at all beyond attending with their children, (this is particularly true for wives with young families). I personally, do a great deal of teaching with my husband including marriage and confirmation retreats, and CWOC groups. I can often be found snapping pictures of important masses such as confirmation,weddings or baptisms because I enjoy taking pictures and at times these are the only photos someone has of a major event in their spiritual life. Rarely, I will even participate in counseling sessions with him for couples or families looking for guidance.  Typically, though, most of our counseling is done separately. In our current community, I have been asked to contribute as an advisor for our Catholic Women of the Chapel (CWOC) groups. This is a role that I very much enjoy as I have felt so welcomed in my own group and know what a difference it can make for those new to a community.

It is important to note that as clergy wives we don’t know everything that’s going on in your and your families lives, even if you’ve told Father about it all.  He won’t tell us what you have divulged to him. If you want us to know then you will need to seek us out.  We are happy to be there for you in any way we can and we understand that sometimes there are circumstances in which someone may feel more comfortable speaking to us rather than or in addition to your priest, such as a miscarriage or family struggles. A lot of times, I personally hear that someone was worried I was too busy, for them to feel comfortable reaching out.  I am busy, but it’s ok, I’m never too busy to make a few minutes for someone who needs support. Please know though, that we walk a very fine line while supporting our husband’s ministries and that if we think it’s something above our level we will encourage you to speak to Father, and are willing to go with you if it makes it easier. We are not looking to take his place in your spiritual journey just to augment it in a positive way.

For those of you meeting a new Clergy wife for the first time I hope this helps you to see them for the unique individual that they are.  My fellow priest and deacon’s wives are among some of the most self-sacrificing women I know and many of them have taught me a great deal along my own journey. It can sometimes be a lonely road so make sure that you reach out and help them develop those friendships as you will find some fabulous women ready to laugh with you during the good times and cry with you during the bad. No matter what, respect that like you they are doing the best they can for their family and your parish community and while we each differ in personality and involvement, we all contribute something worthwhile to God’s plan.