Posted on November 17, 2017
Introverted Parenting: Surviving the Loving Chaos of a Large Family-Part II
For those just joining us this is the second part of a three part series on introverted parenting in the midst of a large family. You can read the first part Here. Most introverts from my experience tend towards smaller families due to their difficulty with large crowds, loud noise and overstimulation. My mother will tell you, I never backed away from a challenge. I didn’t expected to have five children but feel extremely blessed for my large family size most of the time. I’ve learned a great deal over the past few years especially how to survive amidst the chaos that accompanies a large number of young children in the same household 24/7. It’s not easy, but if you are up to the challenge the rewards are definitely worth the effort.
Where do I start?
I know just the thought of a large family sends shivers down your spine. I was the same way once upon a time. With our first child I wondered how our species had survived for so many thousands of years as I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to survive another night without sleep. When we added number two and a preemie to boot, I thought that was it. My physicians told me that was it, otherwise number three would be a lot older right now. Life had another plan, we found out on April Fool’s Day of course, my husband didn’t believe me. (I’m not sure I would have believed me!). We thought we had finally gotten this parenting thing down with two. Each of us had one of them and when we weren’t together at least we had two hands. Right?
Now what was I going to do? At that time one of our friends with five children gave us the best piece of advice we got. Once you have number three you move from a one-on-one defense to a zone defense and then it doesn’t matter how many you add afterwards because you and your wife just shift your zones around depending on the the kids offense. He was so right, which was a good thing for us because number four came fourteen months later. It wasn’t enough to slow us down though. We spent more time on the go than at home I think between Jason’s job as a Battalion Chaplain, my work and exploring the areas around Fort Campbell, KY. Almost a year later I remember looking at Jason just before we went on vacation and saying maybe we’re just done. We’d never had this much time between pregnancy’s besides my time with an IUD while on Coumadin. I said maybe God’s done with us. I am 37 after all. HA HA HA!
We came back from vacation all of us with the flu and I noticed my usual changes. Unfortunately, our little one never had a chance and I miscarried at 7 weeks. Less than a month later, we were expecting a rainbow baby and had no idea of the journey we were about to begin. We still hadn’t recovered from our loss and I’m not sure that we ever truly will be. However, we didn’t have much time to dwell on it as our lives changed dramatically that year. If you want to here more about my journey with Placenta Accreta check out my earlier blog posts.
Getting back to our subject at hand… How can you survivor that large, boisterous, loving family? I will preface the next few paragraphs by saying these guidelines, tips, commandments, etc. aren’t just important for introverted parents but for all parents no matter the size of your family. They are a must for your adult sanity and if you don’t follow these basics you have a much harder time getting to the enjoyment that we will talk about in Part II of this series.
So, that being said, the most important thing to remember is that you can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself. Now this doesn’t mean that everyday you are off work you need to go to the spa, as nice as that might be. It does mean that you need to allow yourself the downtime you need. Some days this may be five minutes behind a locked bathroom door, others its a few hours working on something you enjoy by yourself, just reading a book or vegging out on the couch with a good movie and every once in a while you will need a day away from everyone. Its ok. Give yourself permission to be an individual with needs and not a constant parent and you will find that when you re-engage in the frenzy you find it so much more rewarding and that patience you lacked before will return allowing you to meet your children where they are. This often requires the particpation and support of your spouse so make sure that you keep the lines of communication with them open and let them know when you are feeling overstimulated.
Next, you need a date day with your spouse at a minimum monthly but preferably every couple of weeks. I know this may not be the most popular thing to say these days but when your children are grown you will still have your spouse and if you want to have something to talk about in your old age you need to stay engaged with each other. This is also important in other ways. It allows you time to communicate without your children present either about things they don’t need to overhear or just without being interrupted every few seconds and it models a good marriage for your children. Honestly, would you want your child to grow up marry the man or woman of their dreams and then once they have children stop spending alone time with them. Of course not! Show them how important that time is and keep your connection alive with your spouse. A happy marriage makes a huge difference in the joy found in your home even during times of stress.
Realize that not everyday will you be the World’s Greatest Parent. You don’t have to be perfect, its ok to make mistakes. It’s how you handle your mistakes that will determine how great of a parent you are in the long term. First, admit when you are wrong, this can be hard when you have to admit it to your child but it’s extremely important. You want your children to feel loved and respected. You want them to grow up understanding that mistakes happen, that they are not perfect and when they make a mistake they should own up to it and make amends. How will they learn to do this if they don’t see you their parents doing it. How will it affect the relationship they have with you and you with them. Many introverts tend towards perfectionism, I think it has to do with all the internal processing we do. Allowing ourselves to make mistakes, admit them and learn from them helps to keep us from living each day likes its the same as yesterday and holding onto the mistakes that we and our children make like a loadstone around our necks, depriving ourselves of the chance for a new beginning. Every minute of every day is a new beginning for you and your children. Take a deep breath, make amends and start over. You will find a lot of apologizing happening in our house, because we make a lot of mistakes, there’s a lot of us! Sometimes, we have to remind the kids and ourselves that it’s needed, other times we hear them apologizing to each other never realizing we knew there was a reason too. By letting ourselves live with our mistakes we can let them go and get back to having fun and this leads to children who can do the same.
There are lots of other things you can do to make your life simpler but they really vary by family. For example, we don’t carry a diaper bag anymore but a fanny pack that we easily wrap around the stroller and it really lightens our load. In Part III we will talk more about things you can do to make your life easier and not only survive but enjoy a large family as an introvert!
Again, great advice, Kari! Especially about the importance of alone time for Mommy & Daddy to keep their bond strong… And also, the importance of apologies! I myself have heard the little ones telling each other “I’m sorry,” and I thought it was so sweet.